w3: the Mom uniform

For my first Wise, Weird or Whatever post I want to present: the MOM uniform

Many of you already know that I have a Mom uniform. After Madeleine was born, I wore a lot of Tim's sweatpants or his exercise shorts and looking back on pictures, it looked hideously frumpy. After Gracen, I found that most days, I was still postpartum baby body and I was constantly being touched by sticky hands, spit-up upon, and wanting to be, above all, comfortable. I also didn't want to spend a bunch of money on clothes that would look put together, but were always dirty. Enter the uniform. Because on most days, I am home with my kids and no one else comes over but my mom, I decided to spend some money on date-night/ going out clothes and put a few bucks towards the uniform.

White shirt, black shorts in summer, black pants in winter.

I bought two packages of white v-neck Hanes shirts from Walmart.

I was given a black and white pair of soccer shorts while I coached track, so I bought another pair.

I also used a gift card to purchase two more pairs of my most favorite pants in the world. L.L. Bean's perfect pants!!! They are long, nicely cut, have a touch of stretch and don't fade in the wash. They are amazing date pants- they dress up with a nice blouse. Or they look casual with a jean jacket, but most days they are the work horse around the house as part of the mom uniform with white top.

Why a uniform?

1. I was wearing mostly the same thing every day post-partum anyways.

2. I don't have to think about it (no wasting time trying to make an outfit work).

3. It fits and is comfy! Looks relatively good but the elastic waistband accounts for the 30lbs. swings in weight with a pregnancy and 9 month recovery.

4. I can bleach the bejeezus out of the top if necessary

5. It is cheap and allows me to put monies towards other desires, like books =)

6. Should I go out, I can just throw my hair up, put on some makeup and black flip flops and look athletic (in the summer) or -with a pair of dangly earrings- almost done up in winter. (Dangly earrings and soccer shorts just can't go together!)

So, what do you think? Wise, Weird or Whatever? Would you (Or do you unknowingly) rock a mom uniform?

Love, Lauren

Whimsy & Desires

Now that the letter writing challenge is done, it is time to turn my attention to pressing desires.

1. Madeleine is 25 months, I am stuck in a puzzle/book rut; it is time to start activities that inspire play (which equals learning).

2. My last "monthly" post for the girls covered January, it is time to catch up.

3. While my blog is not managed enough to do a "link-up party" or generate any outstanding traffic, I do want to do a weekly blog focusing on seemingly unorthodox approaches to living. I am thinking of calling it "Weird, Wise or Whatever" and having people weigh in with their opinion. I think it could be fun and of course, it would be on Wednesday.

4. I joined Pinterest and although I have heard of the addictive power, I would like to moderately organize ideas I find on the world wide web.

So, in keeping with these desires. Madeleine and I bought out the paints. I was inspired by my friend who blogs at birdinyourhand. She wrote about adding whimsy to our yards, so this is what I came up with:

Start with a $1 birdhouse from JoAnn's

Add Crayola Washable paint

Set them outside to dry, go to the library, come home, have lunch, then prepare to drill

Drill a hole through the bottom and add a bamboo garden stake

Determine that they need a big, colorful bow on the stake; shoot adorable photo anyway

Ta-da! Whimsy & fun.

Letter #30/30- Your reflection in the mirror

Helllllllllllllllloooooooooo gorgeous!

...now seriously, go to bed.

Love, Lauren ♥

Letter #29/30- Someone You Want to Tell Everything To, But Are Too Scared

Dear Someone I want to tell everyone to, but I am too scared,

If you knew what I had done before you were born, you might not understand. You might not love me anymore. You might be shocked, outraged, horrified, overcome with disbelief. You might use my mistakes justifying your own, or worse, qualifying foolish pursuits. If you knew what grace was offered me, a poor sinner, then you might want to be a sinner for the sake of forgiveness. If you knew what lies I've told, what betrayal I've committed, what lusts I've fostered, what jealousy I've harbored, what malice I've fueled, what pride I've bolstered, you might not want me for your life's guide. You might believe that all the years I'd poured into you with training and exhorting and disciplining and admonishing and encouraging and loving were just a sham to make you a "good kid", one who never said the wrong thing, at the wrong time for the wrong reasons. You might think, "Well, look what she did. Look what she was. What can she offer? What does she know?" and you would be right.

But for the grace of God...

I don't deserve your love; but, you don't deserve mine. We don't deserve anything besides our depravity (- so what joy we realize in loving the other!) Simply, we are all struggling saints. But it is by the struggle that we know Christ's sanctification.

If you can look at my life, little one, and say, "I would never do that..." then I pray that God would reveal the desperation of your heart. But, if I told you all my secrets and you looked into my eyes and said, "I love you, because God first loved me: the number one sinner."* then I will know that I told you EVERYTHING worth knowing.

Love, Mama

* 1 John 4:19 "We love, because He first loved us." (NASB) & 1 Timothy 1:15 "The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost." (ESV)

Letter #28/30- Someone that Changed Your Life

Dear Someone Who Changed My Life,

I love you, I really really do. And, when I think about how much you love me, it makes my eyes sting, that enormously choking lump jumps to my throat and my blood warms up coursing through my veins exceedingly fast. Thank you, thank you, thank you. For choosing me, for always trusting, for always hoping, for always bearing my burdens. Everything I do in response to your love is utterly unworthy. You encourage, I lash out. You reprove, I sulk. You are gracious, I am ungrateful. But, I love you. I just really, really adore you. The most amazing part is that I know, beyond doubts that you will never leave me. You're faithful and true. I love you. I wish there were ways to tell you. I tell myself: find ways that he will know; prove it to him that you deserve all that he gives you, but you make it impossible. You do it all--for which I do not know whether to love or hate you- but it's you who make this life possible. For flowers every day, for sunny days, for refreshing storms, for cleansing fire, for birds and beasts, for beauty, for your creativity, for your justice, for your holiness, for your love. For you are holding all things together for your own glory. I love you, so much. I run to you, I see your love for me when I look at my children. I understood why, but never how you could command your own son to die because of your great love for your true children. I am your beloved daughter in whom you are welled pleased. I am your beloved daughter in whom you are well pleased. I am your beloved daughter in whom you are well pleased. I am, because you loved me.

For the reader's consideration:

"This is a gifted response

Father we cannot come to You by our own merit
We will come in the name of Your son
As He glorifies You
And in the power of Your spirit

We have come to something so mysterious
Too deep for minds to comprehend
Through the open door
Where the angels sing
And the host of heaven are antheming...

And we'll sing the glory of Your name
Celebrate the glories of Your grace
We will worship You, We will worship You
And we'll make Your praise so glorious
Singing songs of everlasting praise
We will worship You, we will worship You" Matt Redman "Gifted Response"

"I will wait for You patiently
Praying from my deepest point of need
Give You everything in return just for You
Satisfy my soul, nothing else will do

Jesus
My heart
your home

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,

just to take him at his word

Just to rest upon his promise,

Just to know: thus sayeth the Lord.

Jesus, Jesus, how I love him,

How I've proved him o'er and o'er

Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus

just for grace, to trust him more.

My heart, your home...

I will sing for You all my days
Always quick to give You praise
When I was in sin You saved my soul
No greater love will I ever know

Jesus, You shine like the sun"- Wait "By the Tree"

If you don't know Jesus, he may want to know you. If you think you are a Christian, but are unwilling to give up your fear of man, your fear of self, your old life...then you may not be rescued. Jesus will rescue you from your misgivings, your failures, your pride, your inabilities, your exhaustive struggle to make this life heavenly (though it will never be). Repent, follow Jesus, be filled with the Spirit and obey what He has said in His Word.

Love, Lauren

Letter #27/30- The Friendliest Person You Knew for Only One Day

Dear Friendliest Person I Knew For Only One Day,

As I approached writing this letter, I wracked my brain in deciding the parameters wherein I would actually award friendliest person. I tried to reach back into the recesses of 25 years of awareness reaching for a stand-out kind person from my school, church or gym...but usually they were acquaintances. I would see them more than once. I thought about a girl I met at a Rock Climbing Clinic in 2006. Although she was friendly, she was there alone, and so was I. Of course two girls in a highly male-populated sport would strike up a friendship. We were in a camping situation of our own choosing intent on actually engaging with other people, so that didn't really speak about friendliness in spite of the circumstances. Along with that caveat I now would include all events of my choosing; for instance, conferences, camps, orientations, etc. where I was choosing to place myself along others who were seeking out companionship for some varied reason. I tried to think about people who are instructed to be nice and it didn't really seem to work for cashiers or salesmen or flight attendants. But there is a group of people who, although they are instructed to be nice, are often not. So, thank you sweet Verizon Wireless technical support advisor. I have often called, livid at some particular flub only to be so overwhelmed with kind helpfulness that I am shamed that I could feel so much rage regarding my situation. You diffuses, detangle and de-stress me, I am so thankful for the customer service you maintain. And specifically, thank you one Brian in St. Louis who was so overwhelmingly kind that I felt very guilty for even having an technical difficulties which might interrupt his workday. How ironic is that?

Love, Lauren

Letter #26/30- Last Person You Made a Pinky Promise To

Skip- never really a fan of pinky promises.

Letter #25/30- The Person Who You Know is Going Through the Worst of Times

Dear Person Going Through the Worst of Times,

I don't know you, but you are my sibling. I haven't really taken the time to acquaint myself with your affliction...it's probably ugly and horrible and if I really knew what was happening, I might have to take action. And I don't want to take action. I want to sit in my pretty little house and play with my pretty little treasures and never, ever, ever have to hear about the agony of your life. I would rather continue paying $4 for a coffee, buying sweatshop-made Christmas lights at Walmart, and bemoaning my pathetic little existence because I don't live in a bigger house that would hold more of my stuff that I need. If I knew you, I might have to hear about the fact that you don't have a Bible to read, and since I just bought a new one (it was only $20 and it's this really pretty pink scrolly covered pink faux leather cutie- and I don't have an ESV; I have NASB, NIV, NKJV, KJV, Interlinear Greek..but not ESV) I might get to feeling really bad. If you told me that we share a faith, but you trust in God as Savior for fear of death...well, that would just really suck for me to have to hear that. So, please don't remind me that your country has aborted over 30 million baby girls, that you can't freely practice serving Jesus or even dare speak his name. Don't tell me about the raids, the torture, the persecution that you face every day because I would just feel yucky and it would make me sad and I would have to take prozac or paxil until I could feel better again. Actually, I would have to take my kids to Coldstone, spend $20 on three ice creams and then worry about my body for several weeks and then go to church with all my friends at a government facility that we rent and ask God to forgive me for my preoccupation with my own personage instead of His. So, let's just all pretend that we're siblings, sharing in everything with nothing bad ever happening, except maybe having to listen to Madeleine's never-ending kids praise music.

Love, Lauren

Letter #24/30- The Person Who Gave You Your Favorite Memory

Dear Tim,

Remember when we went for a helicopter ride?

Whenever I ask you this, it's as though I have touched the center of the Hoover Dam only to find it explode away and gush forth memory upon memory of our years together. I cannot choose a favorite, for you are my favorite; every moment with you is my favorite!

I remember every summit we have reached together. Not just San Gorgonio, San Jacinto, or Shasta, but those apexes of life that we have looked out from, side by side.

The surprise wedding band, just giggling and smiling our way through our vows. Dancing our choreographed steps on our wedding day, cutting our fabulous splash mountain cake, the pure realization that we were husband and wife and able to enjoy--together-- all that marriage holds.

The day we both labored intensely to deliver Madeleine Jael, to finally see her crying in our arms and the utter delight in birthing our first child in our home. A child who symbolized the deep and soulful desire to express to you my willingness to be melded to you forever in the form of another human being. A beautiful child that only we could create together- is there anything more expressive of pure marital love than the fruitfulness of the home? I thank God that He has given us the ability to bear children and for me to be like a fruitful vine filling our home with wild olives, surrounding us and blooming with flourishing grace. (Psalm 128:3)

Then, the excitement of the second child- to anticipate with experiential understanding the joy and bliss of another baby. That morning when we labored and Gracen November joined our family, it was wonderful. Even the shared knowledge that, unless the Lord plans otherwise, we have even more children on our horizon. That our desire to love the other is a tangible reality in our children. I love our radical attitude towards our offspring, the wild notion that our children, as an extension of our love, are not just a seasonal obligation- but rather a joyful anticipation as God forms our family.

Sea turtles in Champagne Pond, Peppermint Joe Joes, our boat bed, knowing way too many Office quotes, worshipping Christ through communion, dance parties in the kitchen, Great Harvest breakfasts, Cirque De Soleil's The 'O' show, Sedona, Texarkana, Big Sur, San Diego, Fort Worth, Portland, Denver, Utah, Lake Mead, Lake Powell, our home. Anywhere you are is where I want to be.

You are the sweet Love of my Life.

Love, slg

Letter #23/30- The Last Person You Kissed

Dear Last Person I Kissed,

Sleep my child and Peace attend thee,

All through the night.

Guardian angels God will send thee,

All through the night.

Soft the drowsy hours are creeping,

Hill and vale in slumber sleeping,

I my loving vigil keeping,

All through the night.

Good night sweet Madeleine & Gracen.

Letter #22/30- Someone You Want to Give A Second Chance To

Dear Someone Who Deserves A Second Chance,

Even though you have ridiculously shaped faux-boobs, I know that I shouldn't judge you. Please, forgive me? Somewhere deep under the piles of foundation, eyeshadow, false lashes, glitter eyeliner, bottle-dye, fake tan, flashing skin-tight clothing is a sweet, misguided little girl who gave up decorum for decolletage. They're not the same sweetheart...why don't we grab a coffee and chat?

Love, Lauren

Letter #21/30- Someone You Judged By Their First Impression

Dear Someone I Judged By First Impression,

Mercutio said it best when in hot blood he stated, "men's eyes were made to look, and let them gaze..." which about sums up my thoughts when I see your enormous tan fake-boobs coming towards me- on the street, in the store, at the beach or at the gym...they are unavoidable. Good job paying to look like a porn star, now don't go acting like no one should gawk and stare.

Love, Lauren

Letter #20/30- The One That Broke Your Heart the Hardest

Dear One That Broke My Heart the Hardest,

"And in the stars, it is written;

in the rocks, it is written;

on your heart, on mine..."

...you know I love you, love you, love you." wasil

Love, slg

Letter #19/30- Someone Who Pesters Your Mind- Good or Bad

Dear Someone Who Pesters My Mind for Good,

You'll know one day, how much I think about you. Maybe you wonder if I really pray for you as often as I say. Maybe you wonder why I haven't texted in a while. But, there will come a day- a happy one, when I see you chasing after your own kids that you will realize that even though we didn't connect as often as we wanted, you pester my mind all the time. There are so many striking similarities between us, it's nice to have a chance to see the Lord working in areas for us, usually at the same time! I think about you because you are like a little sister to me- you were my student, now you are my friend. You come to mind when I wake up, when I lie down and lots of moments in between. I read your thoughts online, I read your texts amidst puzzles and books. I lift you up to God because you pester my mind. I worry for you a little, because I love you. I want to see you happy...So, when you have a lonely day or you find yourself with a little time to spare, come pester me, I don't mind.

Love, Lauren

Letter #18/30- Someone You Wish to Be

Dear Someone I Wish to Be,

I can't write all that I want to say (I do not have that ability), but I will write this: the only way to know how much your mother loves you is to become a mother yourself. Then you will know why she fretted over your poor decisions, you will know why she never had a disapproving word for the way you looked (even though you were pretty sure you were ugly at the time), you will know why she prays for you earnestly, you will know why she loves being with you and you will know why she will do anything for you. It's because underneath all the exterior of adulthood, she looks at you and still sees that little girl who captured her heart over 30 years ago. She remembers what it was like to hold you close and watch you dance and make wishes and cry over stubbed toes. She never missed a moment, even though you were blissfully unaware that she was watching. She was there when you lost the lead role, when you aced your test and when you didn't understand geometry. She watched all your plays, clapped for all your solos, was diligent to protect you from meanies, and made your interests her own. She sent you packages at the dorm, read your essays, filled your gas tank and advised you against certain boys. She helped you into your wedding dress, was ecstatic when you found out you were pregnant and held your hand as you delivered your babies. She's foundational to who you are, yet an inspiration to who you believe you could be.

I understand now that being Mama to my children is the deepest and most important calling I can hope to rise toward. And I thank you, Mom, for being willing to sacrifice in so many vital ways in order to be what I someday wish to be.

Love, your Lauren

Letter #17/30- Someone From Your Childhood

Dear Someone From My Childhood,

When you were in middle school, you didn't match your socks. I'm not sure if you thought it was funny or you just didn't care, but it was not uncommon for you to come to school with a blue and a hot pink sock on a foot. You didn't clean your room very often, because I would have to wait for you to finish your chores before we could ride our bikes in elementary school. We named our bikes and would pretend they were horses. You would always let me curl your hair and give you a facial, even though I twisted your hair too tight and it didn't turn out very pretty. For over 10 years, I considered you my best friend. I was there the night you dropped the transmission on your parent's CRX in front of Chris' house. We were the only girls to play tackle football with the guys in high school on some Saturday morning at Margarita Middle School field.I remember seeing you at church and watching your eyes light up when you whispered you were pregnant with baby #1. It was after your summer wedding that another bridesmaid and I ate chocolate cake and cried about us all growing up; you wore my veil and it looked so beautiful. We spent most holiday seasons together, baking cookies, singing carols, attending parties and sleeping over. I was very jealous when you went to Calvary Chapel HS and wanted to hang out with Vanessa, I saw our friendship slipping away. You were missed even more when you dated Jeff (though you looked amazing in your blue prom dress). I wanted to be sure you knew that I loved you, so I flew to Chicago to see you graduate from Wheaton. I drove to see you the day you delivered Sophie, Jacob and GK (sorry Adele). I have so many tender times with you that could fill pages. Secrets shared, tears cried, laughter ringing out and tying binds knit over that last 22 years. You'll always be my childhood's best friend- and all the goofy, growing up and figuring out we did together is a sweet memory when I recall our past. Even if we never talked, or saw each other again, there is nothing that could take the special role you played in my life...I love you very much, and I always will.

Love, Lauren

Letter #16/30- Someone Not in Your State

Dear Someone Not in my State,

Just a quick note to remind you, it was such a pleasure to spend time with you this week! I know I've told you before, but I've always wanted a sister, and I am glad God gave you to me through marriage. I'm hopeful for you in your newest venture and I know that God's overwhelming sustenance in your life will buoy you as you return to work and life apart from family support. I pray that you continue to guard your heart, depend on Christ and seek His good and pleasing will. Thank you for sharing your interesting and thoughtful insights; I always enjoy our discussions. I will call you soon to hear how the kids are returning to life at home and to hear if your pool made it through the dust storm. I love you very much and pray for peace in your home. Talk to you soon.

Love, Lauren

Letter #15/30-The person You Miss the Most

Dear Person I Miss the Most,

You left over 4 years ago and all it takes is "Wicked Game" or "Pitselah" or "Color Blind" to bring back the rush of our colleges memories all crammed together and overwhelming me with love. Wasn't it by total mistake that we became friends? When the other two joined forces against me that I found solace in your friendship? A sweet boy from Washington with your self-coined "bedroom-eyes", you made yourself at home in my turmoil. Things could have been different between us, but we both knew that our one and only kiss revealed a fate of friendship and not romance. Before they cut away all the weeping branches, we would hide together in the swing above Sigma Chi, listening to Radiohead and Elliot Smith. You drank close to a pot of coffee a day and in turn, taught me to take my coffee black while we spent late study nights in some greasy dinner almost waiting for the sun. We'd find ourselves mentally engulfed in some debate over Platonic forms or theology and far be it from me to say you ever had it wrong. I think it was because of your constant connection to Napster-filling three hard drives with music- that caused Biola to burn through its ethernet allowance. How did you find me...when I was running beyond midnight at the track- I was trying to sprint the hurt out of my soul- and you were there, to hold an exhausted girl who was tired of trying. Easy laugh, carefree ways, enormous truck and a passion for all things controversial...When I saw you lying in silver, it wasn't true. How could I measure your life, if not by your latest passion? Skiing, your Harley, art, business, outdoor adventure. How could you stop living? My friend who wrote to me about the life the Washington woods breathed into him; about being wet and freezing in the streams, feeling the fall leaves swirl around you, being pricked with flaking snow- taking it all in realize you were ALIVE. My friend who called me every week after the divorce, just to make sure I was still waking up and faking it. Wasn't it just such a call, only hours before He took you? He wanted all that passion, I suppose. The Sovereign One found it His pleasure to hone your enthusiasm to the single flame of loving and worshipping Him. You were a true, and good friend. I miss you, and I look forward to seeing you again my sweet Little Prince.

Love, Lauren

Letter #14-30- Someone You've Drifted Away From

I went on vacation, and didn't take a computer with me. Therefore, without any more pause, letters 14-18.

Dear Friend Who Drifted Away,

The cliche thing to say would be "I don't know why we drifted apart." But, if we are both honest, we could probably pinpoint the exact issue that caused us to take a step back. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was just easier to turn away in the face of such confusion. It doesn't really matter, because I'm saddened at this dark weave in the unraveling of our bind. It was never my intention to harm or to dismiss you, I've asked you to forgive me; of course, you did. We're both self-preserving and we have too much history to just torch the bridge between us. Yet, it's not the same. Do you know why I even told you? It's because he had told some secrets he should not have told, and I wanted to make you feel safe, safe enough to find forgiveness for your mistake. I thought if I opened up and let you look around in my own wretched heart, you might open up too. I saw this joining confession in our friendship digging roots deeper; I was surprised to find myself uprooted. Now, there are joyous times upon us. We are drifting closer, for a moment. But, I fear we will never regain what we had. (Maybe I am assuming too much, and the whispers that speak of separation never enter your mind). Perhaps geography is our excuse, perhaps seasons...please know; I want to tell you...I think of you with hopefully waiting, that someday tides will change and we will find ourselves once again floating through life side by side.

Love, Lauren

Letter #13/30- Someone You Wish Could Forgive You

Dear Someone I Wish Could Forgive Me,

I know it's not easy to continue living with the person who is responsible for putting you on suicide watch. I know what it can feel like--the agonizing death that occurs in your soul--every time you see that person glance at you, putting on a vain attempt to connect with you through their half-smile. It's heartbreaking, I know. But, imagine actually being that person.

I know there are sweet memories you hold in your mind of us. The times we ran together for miles, encouraging each other. The rock-climbing trip we took to Joshua Tree. The summers at Lake Mead. The lonely nights hanging out together. You've been a wonderful part of my past. But isn't that the feeling for which you despise me now? The loss. The knowing what it was like, in contrast to what it is like. Yes, I abandoned you. Yes, I found new friends, new family. Now you are relegated to live in our house as an unwanted visitor. Every time I look in your eyes, I see the desperate longing for what once was. But, I am making this clear, it will never be like it was before. There is too much invested for me in my children. I just can't spend the time I once did to make you happy. I'm sorry, but you're always under foot. You're always speaking up at the wrong time. The pain between us is this monstrously palpable thing that I just can't change. So, I wish you could forgive me, but I cannot change. I wish you could forgive me, but I know that deep down, I have done too much damage for you to step away from the precipice. I only hope that you find solace in each other. I hope one day when you see me in heaven and you come to tell me about your life as my pet, you will be more gracious to me than I have been to you. Please forgive me.

Love, Lauren

Letter #12/30- Someone You Hate

OOoooops, I kinda delayed in writing this letter, because I don't hate anyone and it was hard to draft. Then I went to a party Friday night and then I totally forgot I was doing this...so, here is my catch-up:

Dear Someone I hate,

I wish you were dead;

I wish you would run away.

You make me feel awful,

Every single day.

You leave fur on my floor,

And fur on my bed.

And you think I want to touch you;

Give you a pat on the head?

Your meowing and licking, I really cannot stand

Just in time for some relaxing then on my lap you land.

I wish you were gone,

I wish you’d disappear

I just feel so horrible

Anytime you are near.

It’s not your fault

And it almost makes me cry.

You’re just a neglected little cat

When did your life go awry?

At the end of the day, when I’m exhausted and frayed

And in you saunter, meowing, on a kitty parade.

Why, oh why, did Tim ever say “Yes…”

“I’ll get this cute little pair.”

I can’t tell you the guilt and pain when I think,

“Kill the cats! (and their hair)”

I’m sorry I failed you

I’m sorry- there! I confess!

I’m sorry you aren’t loved more

I’m sorry it’s all a mess.

Love, Lauren