Sunday, July 3, 2011

Letter #13/30- Someone You Wish Could Forgive You

Dear Someone I Wish Could Forgive Me,

I know it's not easy to continue living with the person who is responsible for putting you on suicide watch. I know what it can feel like--the agonizing death that occurs in your soul--every time you see that person glance at you, putting on a vain attempt to connect with you through their half-smile. It's heartbreaking, I know. But, imagine actually being that person.
I know there are sweet memories you hold in your mind of us. The times we ran together for miles, encouraging each other. The rock-climbing trip we took to Joshua Tree. The summers at Lake Mead. The lonely nights hanging out together. You've been a wonderful part of my past. But isn't that the feeling for which you despise me now? The loss. The knowing what it was like, in contrast to what it is like. Yes, I abandoned you. Yes, I found new friends, new family. Now you are relegated to live in our house as an unwanted visitor. Every time I look in your eyes, I see the desperate longing for what once was. But, I am making this clear, it will never be like it was before. There is too much invested for me in my children. I just can't spend the time I once did to make you happy. I'm sorry, but you're always under foot. You're always speaking up at the wrong time. The pain between us is this monstrously palpable thing that I just can't change. So, I wish you could forgive me, but I cannot change. I wish you could forgive me, but I know that deep down, I have done too much damage for you to step away from the precipice. I only hope that you find solace in each other. I hope one day when you see me in heaven and you come to tell me about your life as my pet, you will be more gracious to me than I have been to you. Please forgive me.
Love, Lauren

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